If you’re anything like me—and I am sorry if you are—the idea of being assertive/confrontational is one of your least favorite things. Oh god, I have to tell someone how I feel? I have to be honest with myself about my needs/desires?! Can I just…I don’t know, play with spiders and watch the O’Reilly Factor instead?
I think being a lady (though the gentlemen certainly can’t be excluded in this) makes one especially prone to the “must please everyone all the time” syndrome. There’s just something about having two x chromosomes that just makes people want to tell you to “be nice” every time you start to voice an opinion. It’s like, Jesus Christ, I didn’t realize saying I wasn’t a huge fan of red velvet cupcakes was such a controversial issue.
It’s that kind of conditioning that makes you silence yourself and doubt your own emotions. Even if someone has said or done something genuinely hurtful, you’d rather rationalize it away to them having a bad day/bad week/bad existence than actually confront the problem. You’re so concerned with making them uncomfortable by telling them that they did something hurtful that you’d rather silence yourself instead.
I used to not understand why I wanted to be perceived as being “nice” all the time. Then I realized something crucial: to me, and to a lot of women, the approval of others is like water. It’s essential to your very existence. And if you don’t have it for a stretch longer than forty eight hours you become physically ill and start having hallucinations of teletubbies dancing in the street to your least favorite show tunes. It’s a tough place to be my friends. The mere idea of not being liked, of not being perceived as super sweet all the time, like being trapped in an elevator with Gary Busey for an extended period of time, is a scary thought for a lot of people.
It’s a shame because it literally gives everyone else all the power in the world to do what they want, consequence free. We think that if we are being honest and putting ourselves first, all of the sudden we aren’t a “nice” person anymore.
And I’m here to tell you that is a load of bull-shenanigans.
There is a distinct difference between being a kind, good person, and being a doormat. One does not equal the other. Not acquiescing to everyone else’s wants/needs/desires all the time does not make you mean, it does not make you rude, and it does not make you unkind. Got it!?
Repeat after me: Your thoughts and feelings are just as valid as anyone else’s. When someone is going on and on about how feminism and easily accessible birth control will be the down fall to society, and you are getting that searing, righteous feeling of telling them off using charts and graphs and a power point you saved for this very occasion—do it! Let it out! Use awesome slide transitions! And do it for yourself! You don’t have to rage and flip a table like a Real Housewife of Sassville (although no one would blame you and flipping a table dramatically is on my bucket list) but letting yourself be heard is one of the best things you can do. For yourself, and for the people around you.
People deserve to be around the real you. They shouldn’t need to be coddled all the time. And if they can’t handle a differing opinion or the fact that you are a cognizant human with oh god—feelings—then you probably shouldn’t be around them anyway because they are, and I believe this is the technical term, “koo-koo bananas.”
So here’s some advice. When in doubt, think of the golden rule. What could be kinder than the golden rule? Treat other’s the way that you’d like to be treated.
And I don’t know about you, but if I was acting like a Class A classless moron with no common sense, being rude or careless, I’d want someone to treat me to a solid telling off about my jerk-ishness.
Or if they’re feeling really nice—flip a table.
