My Kentucky Derby, May 2015
from the Journal of Will Russell, a Kentucky Maniac
First of all, I was thrilled to be asked by Maniac Magazine to attend the fancy Derby parties that I have never been asked to attend. I have been known to stand outside the glamorous Barnstable Brown Gala and watch in wonder, ‘when will I be able to go to the fancy Derby parties?’ Tonight was my night.
I had so much to share. I was wearing a bedazzled Funtown Mountain jacket with blinking blue lights and a sequined bow tie with my American fanny pack in tow with Sh!t Show tee-shirt, I was ready to Yolo.
My deejay set as Dr Sh!t Show culminates with the song “Maniac” from the movie Flashdance along with a roadie who dumps bottles of water on my head. I am a legitimate Maniac with papers to prove it.
5 pm Thursday – Pegasus Parade – Funtown Mountain Amusement Park Float
Our parade float for Funtown Mountain is amazing. It’s a miniature version of Funtown Mountain. It has a 12 foot clown face on the front of it! It also has the Lolley Owl, and the Sunset Dragon, which is going to be a big dragon you walk into the mouth of and watch the sunset while sitting in the mouth dragon, designed by Kathleen Lolley. It has a miniature version of the Haunted Hotel, the Lucky Lady Salon and the Kraken, which will be a water slide. It is awesome!
We also have the remote control Hover-round with the wax Colonel Sanders, also known as the Hover-Colonel, accompany the float. We have beautiful Lorna-Mae dressed as a can-can dancer, Tyler is wearing a Piggly Wiggly head and a guy named Mark, who sometimes plays guitar for Will Oldham, and the boyfriend of our graphic designer,Carrie Sweet, was the Big Bad Wolf. We are quite a sight.
I waved to a lot of people and a lot of people knew who we were, which was very exciting to hear them yell “Funtown Mountain! We Can’t Wait!” We open on June 18th, 2015!
Christopher Wonders, who performs magic with a live chicken, and his burlesque dancer, who lights her boobs on fire, was marching with us with their little dogs Dante and Scraps. Christopher Wonders’ greatest trick is his apathetic confetti toss. Several times throughout his act he will just throw confetti in the air after the trick. No matter how bad the trick is he throws the confetti, which is hilarious.
At some point the parade organizers came out with a banner, which is how you know if you have won a prize. I thought for sure we would win, because I saw the other floats and ours was epic. Our banner said Honorable Mention. As soon as we got the banner Christopher threw up his apathetic confetti, which was perfect. I quickly learned that every one in the parade who did not win gets Honorable Mention.
9 pm Thursday – Ferdinand’s Ball
I picked up my British babe Lorna- Mae and set a course for the Muhammad Ali Center, the greatest center of all time. Upon entering Ferdinand’s Ball I was informed that most of the VIPs had left already, which I replied, “But I have only just arrived.”
We were also informed that there was a “club atmosphere” in the other room. En route I grabbed several cheese cubes and sat down with Ms Kentucky and another beauty queen to have my picture made.
Upon entering the “club atmosphere” room I removed my Funtown Mountain jacket and began to do what can only be described as a “sh!t show.” Before the first song was over the entire dance floor show had cleared out. I was performing a number of Dr Sh!t Show signature moves including belly-shaking-the-fanny-pack, pump and crawling around on the floor.
It was a lovely evening at the Ferdinand Ball.
7 pm Friday – Unbridled Eve Gala
Upon arriving at the Galt House for the Unbridled Eve, my crappy Honda was valeted much to my surprise. This time we were the first ones to arrive, and walked up to the red carpet. We were approached by a man who shoved a celebrity packet in my face and asked, “Are you famous?”.. and I responded flatly, “no.”
I could not find a non-alcoholic beverage to save my life so I snuck into the ball room where a very nice woman made me a coca-cola with a cherry on top. With my literal cherry coke in hand we returned to the red carpet where we watched all kinds of people get there picture taken, yet we had no idea who they were.
Most of the conversation we had was, “Who is that?” and the reply was “I don’t know.” Most of them appeared to be athletes and one comedian, who looked neither familiar or funny.
The highlight for me was when my beloved friend, chef Damaris Phillips from the Food Network came down the red carpet in her jump suit. I snuck onto the carpet for a selfie in mid-air and the moment was captured forever on my iPhone 6.
That evening I had one goal- a Cheechie! Sure enough in the celebrity hold zone, Cheech Marin was there and agreed to a selfie which blew up the internet with 600 ‘likes’ that night.
It became clear it was time to go, but before we left I came up with the idea to walk the red carpet myself. I went to the person in charge and without any debate they made me a sign and I walked the red carpet. Because after-all, I did look like a celebrity. I was wearing American flag sunglasses, American flag fanny pack and bedazzled Funtown Mountain jacket with blinking lights on it. Total Maniac.
I worked the carpet in a manner that I would refer to as as the red-carpet-sh!t-show complete with signature moves, such as fist under chin, glamour shot prom pose. I was spinning around, I was striking ridiculous poses, and at one point I laid on the red carpet striking a breakdancing finishing pose.
10 pm Fillies and Stallions
Upon arrival there was a line of women wearing increasingly higher high heels, who were there due to a social media message from Maxim Magazine Media requesting head shots. If they were hot enough they were let into the party. So upon giving my name at the door they informed me I was not on the list, this came at no surprise being that I am no celebrity. However, I was wearing I bedazzled jacket.
Upon then getting in, I was greeted by two towering super models wearing identical outfits, offering me free shots of what I can only imagine what was some sort of cinnamon flavored alcohol. I declined this generous offer from these two matching giant women and preceded to the red carpet to have my picture made with two other matching super models. They were very complementary of my Funtown flashing jacket and it seems strange to receive a compliment from two beautiful models when I so clearly didn’t belong there.
In line I met a woman, north of 60 years of age who informed me that she was a can-can dancer at Ghost Town On The River, the original Guntown Mountain that was on Fountaine Ferry, West End of Louisville. She was a real human being. It was nice to talk to her. She did not fit in there either.
There were women wearing jockey outfits standing on pedestals wielding riding crops and gyrating like life depended on it. I went to the bar and got a coca-cola with three cherries on top and made my way through the dance floor. My blinking jacket was quite popular and was worn by several super models that evening.
I sh!t-showed on the dance floor for awhile. During my signature belly shake a dangerously thin woman reprimanded me, pointed to my belly and exclaimed “We will have none of that.”
I replied by shaking my belly, pointing at my American flag fanny pack, exclaiming “I like cheese burger”.
I was then informed the Joey Fantone and operation NSYNC selfie was in affect. Sadly Fantone never showed. However, there were several very tall men wearing lots of jewelry towering over me as they passed me on the red carpet, I assume they were the several members of the Super Bowl Champions New England Patriots and the Green Bay Packers reported to be attending.
On my way out I noticed the line of women who were there hoping to be let in based on their hotteness had only grown longer, and this made me feel sad inside.
Then I went and got pizza.
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Will is opening Funtown Mountain in Cave City, Ky this summer, an amazement park fueled by crazy fun and whimsical art. Check out his Kickstater campaign here.
